You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
