Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize