I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
