bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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