i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
