is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
