How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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