Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize