it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
