look no pants
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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