You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
