How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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