Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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