you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize