It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
