I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
