While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
