She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
