God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
