I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you didnt know i had herpes?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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