I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
