Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
