Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize