i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
smell my finger.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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