yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
