am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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