Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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