i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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