i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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