I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
