I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
