i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize