now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
