my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
this boner is exhausting
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
