We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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