I just gift wrapped bread.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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