You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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