There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I haven't been this sober since birth.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
