cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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