I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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