just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
