you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
