Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
