Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
