Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
