I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
