After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
