Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Randomize
