I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
