Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Randomize