I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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