I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize