the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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