About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
