There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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