I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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