My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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