New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
