You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
