i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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