Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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