Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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