I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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