Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
