you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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